On August 01,2024 Starfleet Command shocked the world by revealing that the so-called immigrant Caravan invading the US Southern Border was indeed the exact same one that invaded the southern United States border in 2022 and 2020, was the result of a temporal anomaly related to the catastrophic failure of a flux capacitor in 2174 AD. We all breathed a heavy sigh of relief when Starfleet later revealed that the breach in space-time has been repaired, thanks to a novel implementation of the McGuffin-Graviton Theory.
But not so fast.
Within days of the so-called McGuffin “fix” being implemented, Kid Rock played at the Republican National Convention, Chris LaCivita launched a Swift boat attack against Tom Walz and Republicans doubled down on their policy of tax relief for billionaires. If these campaign policies seem familiar, its because they are. They’ve appeared before. Exactly like this, before. Twice.
Admiral Tom Kirk from the Starfleet Temporal Intelligence Division explains the significance of these campaign repeats, “It was Kid Rock’s performance at the RNC that caught the attention of Starfleet’s Temporal Intelligence Researchers. The chances of any random sample of Republicans making such a culturally inappropriate gaffe two conventions in a row are infinitesimal. Commander Data can explain the math to you. When you add in Swift boating, rehashed campaign speeches – and indeed a completely regurgitated Presidential campaign – Temporal Intelligence was forced to conclude that the entire Republican party was trapped in a temporal anomaly.”
“So the Caravan was just the tip of the Iceberg?”, asks a cub reporter, her voice tremulous with anticipation and fear.
“Sadly, yes.”
“Is there more?”
Kirk nods somberly. “It is normally not Starfleet policy to speak about active investigations, but this investigation raises issues of existential importance not only for Earth, but also for the entire United Federation of Planets. Let me explain.”
The Admiral pauses to take a nip of Romulan ale from a flask and then continues, “This is a room full of journalists. All of you have noticed how Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin have been acting like mediaeval politicians.” Heads in the audience nod. Not a few chins are rubbed pensively. The Admiral continues, “Well this behavior isn’t just a mindset. Because of this temporal anomaly, Xi is the Tang General Guo Zhi preparing to fight a Taiwan he thinks is his arch rival An Lushan; Putin is Boris Godunov desperately trying to hold together a failing Russian state against an emboldened Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. At least two different time-lines from Earth’s history have merged with yours. Explosively. Commander Data can explain. I failed space-time algebra.”
“Are the anomalies contained or should we expect more temporal distortions?”, a reporter from Milwaukee boldly asks.
The Admiral takes another nip of his blue drink, clutches the lectern and speaks slowly and firmly, as if imparting wisdom to a graduating class at West Point, “These temporal anomalies will continue for the foreseeable future. Earth in 2024 should prepare itself for events from the past – and future – to appear in its timeline. For example, our temporal statisticians estimate a greater than 100% chance of a False Vladimir, who is identical to one of the False Dmitris, emerging in western Russia sometime over the next 6 months, with a 50% chance of this man successfully seizing power in Moscow. Indeed, we believe several False Vladimirs may have already emerged, but disappeared after we fixed the issue with the Caravan. More terrifying still, Xi Jinping is about to unleash a war in East Asia which will be as devastating as the Lushan Rebellion. These are world-historical problems. Commander Data can explain the temporal physics. Its complicated and I don’t even know what a flux capacitor is.”
“Any last words for our readers?”, I ask at the urging of my editor.
The Admiral clears his throat and speaks, “Yes. Starfleet is not trying to scare the citizens of Earth, but it is our duty to inform them. If we cannot contain these anomalies, humanity may be destroyed. People in the United States of 2024 should vote to promote freedom, not plutocracy and xenophobia. Likewise, the political classes in China and Russia need to restrain their respective leaders. They want to wreak havoc because they are living in other times.”
The Admiral solemnly closes his briefing notes, says, “May we all live long and prosper” and disappears back into the future.
