Apocalypse Review

Surprise at Kind Farewells for Sessions

Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions has been called everything from “pusillanimous toady” to “Pook Turtle”. For many, his appointment as Attorney General was like poison injected into the beating heart of democracy. So it was with consternation bordering on outright anger that supporters of civil rights reacted to the praise heaped on him when he was fired as a result of the so-called “Wednesday night massacre”.

A Polaroid of Jeffrey Sessions, pictured here disguised as Charlie Chaplin. In the background an unidentified demon rubs his hands together in anticipation of whisking Sessions’ soul away to hell. 

“To call what Sessions did as Attorney General ‘public service’ is a crime against language”, notes  state prosecutor  Elias Corcorant, who worked closely with Sessions in Alabama . “He incessantly badgered me to prosecute minor infractions against African Americans like war-crimes.” At this point, Corcorant’s wife interjects, “I always told my children to cross the street whenever they saw him lest their souls be  poisoned by the miasma of pure evil that follows him in a cloud”. 

And is he insensitive to civil rights? Coretta Scott King’s 1986 testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee speaks for itself. She wrote, “Mr. Sessions has used the awesome power of his office in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters.” Adds a colleague from the Alabama Senate, “I will always think of Sessions as puttified malice molded into human form”.

“Well I don’t know what that last comment means” notes Tennessee Federal  Judge Thomas Blackney, “so let’s keep our discussion limited to Session’s so-called legal accomplishments. To my mind the worst was sending former felon Matthew Charles back to prison after he had successfully re-integrated into society after serving a very long sentence for a minor crime. Not only did Session’s intervention do nothing to increase public safety, it was petty and cruel. My conscience is still dry-heaving”. Interjects another judge who is clearly excited to give his views on Session’s shameful accomplishments, although he is too frightened of him to put his name on record, “If we’re going to talk about permanent stains Session’s left on our criminal justice system, I think his personal prosecution of the refugee  ‘Blanca’ who’d sought asylum because her life was threatened by extreme sexual violence says it all: inhumanity, misogyny,  a faint stink of bigotry and total contempt for precedent.”
Not only did Session’s intervention do nothing to increase public safety, it was petty and cruel. My conscience is still dry-heaving.

What does it mean that toadies like Senator Romney praise Session’s ‘service to our country’? Graft historian Susanna Blank posits an explanation. “I think we need to put the compliments of  Republican apologists into  context. Any one member of the President’s cabinet has been involved in abuses of power that rival the worst scandals in US history. Beside such foils as Ryan Zinke, Scott Pruitt and Ben Carson a case can be made that Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions service to our country was merely awful. After all he did do one good thing, which was to recuse himself from the Mueller investigation.” She crosses herself and continues, “Nevertheless, let us all pray that Satan comes early for his soul.”

Disclaimer: Elias Corcorant is fictional, as is Thomas Blackney. All that is not fake, like Coretta King’s testimony, links to sources.