Surprise at Kind Farewells for Sessions
Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions has been called “a pusillanimous toady”, “a squirrel gnawing at the nuts of democracy”, “elephant poop porridge”, “a true heir to his namesake, Confederate General P. G. T. Beauregard”, and even a Pook Turtle. For many, his appointment as Attorney General was like poison injected into the beating heart of democracy. So it was with consternation bordering on outright anger that supporters of civil rights reacted to the praise heaped on him when he was fired as a result of the so-called “Wednesday night massacre”.
“To call what Sessions did as Attorney General ‘public service’ is a crime against language”, notes state prosecutor Elias Corcorant, who worked closely with Sessions in Alabama . “He incessantly badgered me to prosecute minor infractions against African Americans like war-crimes.” At this point, Corcorant’s wife interjects, “I always told my children to cross the street whenever they saw him lest their souls be poisoned by the miasma of pure evil that follows him in a cloud”.
And is he insensitive to civil rights? Coretta Scott King’s 1986 testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee speaks for itself. She wrote, “Mr. Sessions has used the awesome power of his office in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters.” Elaborating on Sessions Klannish reputation, a former colleague of Sessions reveals that “we used to call him ‘Jefferson Legree’ and ‘Old Hate and Shitty”, a moniker which crudely burlesques the nick-name of a great President. Adds a second colleague from the same firm, “I will always think of Sessions as puttified malice molded into human form”.
What does it mean that toadies like Senator Romney praise Session’s ‘service to our country’? Graft historian Susanna Blank posits an explanation. “I think we need to put the compliments of Republican apologists into context. Any one member of the President’s cabinet has been involved in abuses of power that rival the worst scandals in US history. Beside such foils as Ryan Zinke, Scott Pruitt and Ben Carson a case can be made that Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions service to our country was merely awful. After all he did do one good thing, which was to recuse himself from the Mueller investigation.” She crosses herself and continues, “Nevertheless, let us all pray that Satan comes early for his soul.”
Disclaimer: Elias Corcorant is fictional, as is Thomas Blackney. All that is not fake, like Coretta King’s testimony, links to sources.