So You Want to Invest in a Senator

Are you rich enough to own one outright? If not remember that you’re only buying a share. That’s OK if you are a sugar farmer who wants to pollute Lake O, and other investors are concerned about fracking in central Pennsylvania. But if you are a furniture manufacturer in NC looking for tarifs in Mexican goods, be aware that your interests may directly clash with other transnational investors. So do your research and find out who else has invested in them.
Be honest with yourself about your investing goals. Senators, in addition to being legislative tools, are also a type of luxury item . Are you buying your senator so that you can make him dance for your friends at parties or do you want him to dismantle government? If the former, I’d recommend Roy Blunt of Missouri or Charles Schumer of New York, whereas Tom Cotton and Rand Paul are a better choice if your goal is to create a Mad-Max world for your grandchildren.
What about index funds? We recommend the Freedom Caucus Carbon Polluters fund for those who business interests are in extraction industries; the Gaming Fund for those interested in using offshore gambling enterprises to launder money from mainland China; and the Handmaid’s Christian Values fund for those who feel that the role of government is to put women in their place.

And what about small cap? The Russell 100 small cap State Senator fund has proven very popular, particularly among those who would like to wreck public education or pollute groundwater.
How should the Party alignment of senators factor in to your buying decision? This may seem counterintuitive, but we recommend a contrarian investment strategy. For example if your goal is to pollute, consider buying a Democrat, whereas if its protectionism, buy a Republican.
It seems complex, doesn’t it? But don’t let these caveats scare you away. Return on Senators has exceeded the S&P average in every year since Mr. Smith went to Washington, though risk levels are admittedly higher than other asset classes.
Note that a related asset class, Representatives, are far cheaper Senators, but also have a historically lower rate of return.
related: Trading in Senators begins on NY Commodities Exchange