USA Safest Country Ever

It was spring 1945 and 2.5 million Russian soldiers were bearing down on Berlin with 6,250 tanks, 7,500 aircraft,. 41,600 artillery pieces and billions of rounds of ammunition. Meanwhile the Germans defended with 766,750 soldiers armed with finely crafted handguns, rifles and artillery. I know what you’re thinking, “Safest place ever.” But no. A recent study has determined that United States of America, with over 400 million guns, is now even safer than Berlin was in 1945! At least, so argues an academic study of violence recently released by the Strawman Institute on behalf of the hand-gun industry.

Insert image of Berlin 1945 or Kenosha Post Rioting

The AR Press caught up with Professor Hiram Mean, a Second Amendment Fellow from the University of Medicine Hat, to help us understand how safe we now are.

Mean: On one level the math is straightforward. More guns equals more safety. But up until now the calculations have assumed that a gun is a gun, and that just isn’t so. Sure, a Luger in the hands of a trained SS soldier was a safety-promoting weapon in 1945, but there really is no comparison, safety-wise, between that Teuton with a Luger, and – for example – a pimply faced vigilante with an amped-up semi-automatic rifle shooting civil rights rioters.

AR Press: Don’t you mean shooting up a country music concert in Nevada? Or churches in North Carolina and Texas? Or that Synagogue in Pittsburg? Or that grade-school in Connecticut?

Mean: That’s so last week.

AR Press: Moving on. You talk a lot about how guns make you safer, but what about other weapons, like machetes?

Mean: That’s an excellent question. Interestingly enough knives – and edged weapons like swords – are involved in the third and fourth safest situations ever, specifically the sack of Baghdad by Huluga Khan in 1389 and the massacre of the Tutsis by Hutus in 1994.

AR Press: I’m not certain I understand your argument.

Mean: Hah! I’d man-splain to you but you’re male and I’m uncertain about how to condescend to metro-sexuals. So let’s keep it simple. The knives and swords made everyone safe. It was the armed, angry people who killed.

Guns don’t kill people. People with guns do.