Apocalypse Review

Armed Yoga

By Brian MacMillan, Apocalypse Review

You’ve just completed your yoga teacher training. You finally understand the difference between pratyahara, dharana and dhyāna; you’ve finished your first class plan which seamlessly integrates breath and movement; you’re rested, cleansed and your teacher’s insurance is up to date. You can even explain mula bandha without thinking about the Jungle Book. The only challenge to overcome before you teach your first class is which gun to buy?

We at the National Rifle Association of ‘Merica (NRAM) know what a difficult question that can be. That’s why we’ve put together a brochure for yoga teachers, rabbis, pastors and child-care workers to help them best deal with the threat of gun-initiated mayhem in their workplaces.

B. K. S. Iyengar, considered by many to be the father of modern Hatha Vinyasa yoga, liked to get his Pancho Villa on with large caliber rifles.

For most yoga teachers we recommend the Pink Lady DAO by Charter Firearms or the purple Lady Lilac pistol by Ruger because so many yoga teachers like to use a veneer of sex-role stereotyping to gloss over the dissonance caused by the presence of firearms in their studios.

A delicate gun, like the Charter Arms 53836 Pink Lady revolver will beautifully accessorize just about any pair of Lululemon yoga pants.

We acknowledge that not all proponents of ahimsa are comfortable with using the threat of extreme violence to counter misogynistic serial killers, but for those who are the AR-15 is certainly the gun for you. If you feel that loving-kindness can only flourish when protected by automatic weapons we recommend attaching a bump-stock to your rifle, which now can be purchased in any number of pastel colors, or even adorned with images of daisies.

Recognizing that the presence of a weapon can be effective as a deterrent – even if not practical during a more intimate massacre – a small but significant number of yoga teachers have installed Gatling guns in their studios.  This practice is particularly common in studios in Alabama and Georgia. After-all, nothing says Southern pride like the weapon which slaughtered over 200,000 Confederate soldiers.

Many yoga studios in the New South like to put the corpse into śavāsana with a Gatling gun. Image from Wikimedia Commons courtesy of Pearson Scott Foresman archives.

Notes one yoga student, “I never feel closer to the universal spirit than when, during śavāsana (corpse pose) I see the muzzle of a machine-gun out of the corner of my eye.

Disclaimer: This piece was written as a result of the the shootings in Jeffersontown, Pittsburgh and Tallahassee in October 2018. No disrespect  is intended to the victims of these atrocities. My only goal is to draw attention to the absurdity of the NRA claim that the only way to counter gun violence is with gun violence. The writer is a certified yoga teacher.