America is Still Number One in Bags

It seems that not a single day passes without more evidence of America’s decline. But the news isn’t all bad: today the Plastics Council of America published a study that finds that America leads the world in all metrics associated with plastic bags.

Looking Sassy in Glad! Homeless student Rebekah P. shows off a stylish mini-dress made of green trash bags.

The story of American bags isn’t just about carrying things, either. “I make dresses out of bags”, says homeless student Galadriel Collins, while long term unemployed welder Brady Saunders eats his bio-degradeable bags in salads.

“Not only are plastic bags cheap in America, they’re plentiful as well. In Toronto you have to pay for plastic bags. In Mumbai and Chittagong you can’t even pay − plastic bags are illegal. Whereas in fashion forward jurisdictions like Michigan and Missouri its illegal to make plastic bags illegal! In fact in most of the USA all you need to do to get a bag is buy something − anything. You don’t even need to use cash, because the bags you get when you shop with food-stamps are free!

“The best part is how everyone participates in the American bag-success story”, notes Professor Melvin Grist from the University of Medicine Hat. “I couldn’t agree more” adds Melinda Canton-Smith, wife of hedge fund CEO Darth Smith. “Ever since the 2018 Republican tax cut our family income has skyrocketed. If we’re going to make trickle-down work, that means a lot of shopping!”

… and a lot of shopping means a lot of bags!