After receiving a shellacking in the mid-terms, dismayed Washington insider report that the Dark Side is still refusing to reconsider its “Build a Death Star” policy.
The policy has mystified commentators who watched in disbelief as the Dark Side made building a third death star their number one campaign theme in the 2018 mid-term elections, despite the fact that polls consistently indicate support for building a Death Star trails far behind issues like affordable health care and not bombing Yemen.
Notes one former supporter of the Dark Side, wistfully, “With the economy booming you think they would have ran on that, but Emperor Palpatine wanted to run on “Build a Death Star” and so they did. It played great with the base. Heck, the Dark Side swept every town named Podunk between Boston and San Diego. And got massacred in the suburbs.”
Caesaria Chavista, a freshman for the Light Side (NY-99), gloats, “I hate to say it, but the Dark Side has a bit of a creativity problem. On the campaign trail I talk about health insurance costs, and my Dark Side opponents say, ‘Build a Death Star’. I advocate for increased infrastructure spending and they say “Build a Death Star. Ditto for the addressing climate change and stagnant wages. They’re all afraid Palpatine will suffocate them using the power of the Force if they don’t. And he will. “
“Hold her newt she’s coming through the rhubarb!”, counters Dark Side strategist Leonard Narsh. “We really can’t have this discussion without considering the history. Building a Death Star is about a lot more than vaporizing Alderon … Though our base was pretty pumped up when we did”, he adds with a wicked smile. “There are millions of voters in the United States who feel alienated by the the Light Side’s promotion of inclusiveness and tolerance. By building a Death Star we’re letting them know that their voices are being heard.”
“We’re talking about the third Death Star”, Chavista counters. “Whether you support the vaporization of Alderon or not, its fair to say that the first two were failures. In fact, a significant and growing percentage of our federal deficit can be attributed to Death Stars alone. So why is it that so-called fiscal conservatives like former Speaker of the House of Representatives Anekin Ryan and Senator Darth Cruz support it? Hypocrites.”