The evangelical world was rocked today when the Christian Times-Gleaner broke the story that Vice President Mike Pence has been dropped from God’s weekly Zoom call.
That someone as morally louche as the Vice President should have been on the call in the first place has been a source of consternation to progressives – who consider the Vice President a Pathological liar – and Co-Marketing Christians who salivate over the potential for profit a direct association with the Divine Clockmaker could bring.
According to Tomás Sutton, the journalist who broke the story, Pence and God initially got along fabulously thanks to their shared feelings about Mary Magdelene. Pence would affectionately refer to the Creator as the Old Alpha & Omega, while God would playfully make the Vice President’s hair glow with hellfire. No one was surprised when the Divine Clockmaker invited Pence to a weekly Zoom call.
This cozy relationship began to unravel because of Pence’s support for Gay Conversion Therapy. Sutton notes that “God feels the LGBTQ community is as much a part of creation as little children, candy corn and puppy-dogs, and would bristle every time Pence suggested smiting it.” Worse, the Supreme Being has a soft spot for transgender people being not only omniscient and omnipresent, but also omnisexual (a fact reflected in Heaven’s bathroom policy).
Pence’s office, when asked to comment, said that it was the Vice President’s idea to leave the call because “The VP is humble and virtuous. Although he appreciates God’s attention, he doesn’t need it. And besides, the Supreme Being has his hands full preparing for the Rapture.”
Tongues have been wagging about who will take Indiana’s slot on the call, with betting markets favoring Pete Butigieg.
Disclaimer: no disrespect toward Christianity intended by this story. The sole intention of this joke is take-down Mike Pence, who discredits Christianity with his hypocrisy, deceit and malfeasance.