One of the great unspoken questions on Capitol Hill this fall has been, “what is that brown liquid coming out of Mitch McConnell’s mouth?” Until now, no one knew because no one on Capitol Hill had the chutzpah to ask. Notes one Congressional Intern who spoke on condition of anonymity, “I was hardly going to nag the man who is in control of the entire legislative branch of the US government whether he had oral diarrhea. ” Chimes in another intern, “I assumed it was simply his legislative agenda”.
It turns out its something more serious. Today his press secretary Dagny Nathansen announced that Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with sphinctitus. Popularly known as “the politician’s disease’ because of its prevalence in democratic legislatures, sphinctitus is characterized by the swapping of input and output orifices.
The Republican held House of Representatives was more ebullient. Jethro Clampett, a Tennessee representative famous for his outspoken libertarian views, called for the immediate withdrawal of McConnell’s health care benefits on the grounds that “sphinctitus is prior condition”. Speaking at a gun rights rally near Swanee, Tennessee Clampett said that the “Republican Party needs a martyr to demonstrate the benefits of market based health care.” The Congressional Budget Office confirmed that denying McConnell health care coverage would improve the financial situation of the Government of the United States, his accountant noted that the withdrawal of his benefits would likely bankrupt him, and his doctor confirmed that if denied prompt care the disease would likely kill him. “This is just the kind of role model Republicans need!”, effused Clampett upon hearing the news.
McConnell’s debilitation has unsettled the Senate, with half of Republican members hoping McConnell will become incapacitated so that they can get back to the job of governing, and the other half afraid that he will become incapacitated and for the first time in their careers they will have to govern.