The evangelical world was rocked today when the Christian Times-Gleaner broke the story that Vice President Mike Pence has been dropped from God’s weekly Zoom call.
That someone as morally louche as the Vice President should have been on the call in the first place has been a source of consternation to progressives – who consider the Vice President a Pathological liar – and Co-Marketing Christians who salivate over the potential for profit a direct association with the Divine Clockmaker could bring.
According to Tomas Sutton, the journalist who broke the story, Pence and God initially got along fabulously thanks to their shared feelings about Mary Magdelene. Pence used to affectionately refer to the Creator as the Old Alpha & Omega, while God would playfully make the Vice President’s hair glow with hellfire. Things began to unravel because of Pence’s intransigent support for Gay Conversion Therapy. Sutton notes that “God feels the LGBTQ community is as much a part of creation as Sunday School teachers, puppy dogs and little children, and bristled every time Pence suggested smiting them.” Worse, the Supreme Being has a soft spot for transgender people being not only omniscient and omnipresent, but also omnisexual, something reflected in Heaven’s bathroom policy.
Pence’s office, when asked to comment, said that it was the Vice President’s idea to leave the call because “The VP is humble and virtuous. Although he appreciates God’s attention, he doesn’t need it. And besides, the Supreme Being has his hands full right now preparing for the Rapture.”
Tongues have been wagging about who will take Indiana’s slot on the call, with betting markets favoring Pete Butigieg.
Disclaimer: no disrespect toward Christianity intended by this story. The writer of this joke is a confirmed Catholic. The sole intention of this joke is defend Christianity against Mike Pence, who cheapens the religion by using it as a cloak to mask his hypocrisy, deceit and malfeasance.