John Duff Elected Pope!

In a move that surprised Church commentators for its suddenness, John Duffy of Toronto, Canada was today ordained Pope during an emergency session of the College of Cardinals. Mr. Duffy will be a care-taker Pope for one week, allowing the actual Pope, Francis, to go surfing in Costa Rica.

Mr. Duffy speaks ex dolium about the transit needs of the Vatican.

Mr Duffy will be known as Hilarius II, and intends to spend much of his time doing outreach, including weddings, bat mitzvahs, debating tournaments and model parliaments. He has been tight-lipped about whether he will speak ex cathedra.

As if Papa Duffy’s big promotion wasn’t enough big news for one day, fellow Trinity grad Andrew Coyne today fulfilled his life-long dream of taking on the old crook and mitre: Mr Coyne exercised his right to be Play Bishop of Canterbury, which he won in an Easter raffle. Mr Coyne used his time as Play Bishop well, blessing uncountable numbers of pensioners and their pets. He began and ended his tenure with a lusty rendition of God Save the Queen.

Andrew Coyne as Play Bishop of Canterbury.