Biochemists at the University of Medicine Hat today announced that they had succeeded in synthesizing the essence of tuba. The AR Press caught up with Doctor Brad Lignin, one of the researchers who helped make the breakthrough discovery.
AR Press: Explain the significance of your work.
Lignin: Tuba essence has been the blue-diode of the instrument-essence world, something which, until now, has been extremely difficult to manufacture. In contrast, the essences of woodwinds, strings and percussion have long since been synthesized. For example, essence of lute was used as early as 1763 to reduce recidivism in English parishes, and scientists now think that essence of flute was first manufactured by Neanderthals over 50,000 years ago! Thanks to our teams’ work the essence of a dozen tuba can now be inexpensively reduced to a tincture you can carry around with you in an eye-drop bottle.
AR Press: Amazing! But why would anyone want to do that?
Lignin: Mental health, for starters. Just one drop of tuba essence dramatically reduces social anxiety.
AR Press: I hear you. Those tuba buskers on the A train sure aren’t shy! What about recreational uses?
Lignin: The non-medical uses of tuba essence are vast. Let me give you just two examples: one of our test subjects reported taking a drop of tuba essence before lecturing his teenage son about consent, while another, an episcopal priest, reported taking “a shot of the old tuba” before preaching. Tuba essence is something useful to nearly everyone.
AR Press: Nearly everyone … ?
Lignin: Well Senator Cruz’s second asshole was … y’know I’d best leave the telling of that story to the tabloids!
AR Press: On that note, are there any drawbacks you’d like our readers to know about?
Lignin: If you are pregnant, breast-feeding or brash, please consult your doctor before using tuba essence. And never, ever, mix it with adderall.