Elves Detained in Montauk

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that it had detained a boatload of elves in a temporary holding facility near Montauk, on Long Island, NY. One elf died during the arrest when his short sword began to glow a light blue and three officers – fearing for their lives – shot him 27 times.

According to a lawyer for Human Rights Eventually, who has briefly met with the elves, they are “economic migrants whose way of life has been upended by the invention of gunpowder and the end of the Age of Heroes.” They arrived in the United States after a long and dangerous journey “to the west”, because of a cultural myth related to death and resurrection. They wound up on the easterly tip of the United States because “the magnetic pole has changed since Sauron’s fall and Westernesse is somewhere that-a-way”.

Elves in a Montauk police lineup.

The Elves have been identified as possible gang members because of their clothing, jewellery and tattoos. Several were found with Lembas, which includes herbs classified as Schedule 1 narcotics.

The Elves were accompanied by two short curly-haired ragamuffins who were identified by their markings as members of the Hobbit cartel. DHS has initiated a sex trafficking investigation.