Elves Detained in Montauk

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that it had detained a boatload of elves in a temporary holding facility near Montauk, on Long Island, NY. One elf died during the arrest when his short sword began to glow a light blue and an officer – fearing for his life – shot him 27 times.

According to a lawyer for Human Rights First, who has briefly met with the elves, they are “economic migrants whose way of life has been upended by the invention of gunpowder and the end of the age of heroes.” They arrived in the United States after a long and dangerous journey “to the west”, which was apparently initiated as a result of them taking a cultural myth related to death and resurrection literally.

The President pledged an immediate and forceful response to their arrival. He has instructed the Justice Department to draft a poorly worded contract to pay for their indefinite incarceration and has contracted a company owned by a major donor to prepare a report on when the United States can begin constructing a wall along the mid-Atlantic ridge. Shares in the private prison firm Consolidated Gulags rose in after-hours trading.

The elves have been identified as terrorists and possible gang members because of their unusual clothing, jewellery and other markings. The presence of two curly haired proto-humans has initiated a sex trafficking investigation and fueled rumors – widely circulated on conservative talk radio – that the have connections with a sex cult called the “furries”. Because of this ICE has asked that no humanitarian aid be sent to them, least of all edible food, warm clothing and toys for their children to play with.

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