Americans Still Prefer Guns to Butter

Mary-lou is selling piglets from the back of a pickup truck at a county flea market. The cute babies are playing on her ample gut and swollen legs. Although she’s too fat to stand – or perhaps because of this – she’s well armed. “You pay me for my darlings or I’m going to shoot you.” she jests, smiling as toothily as she can, given that she’s missing two incisors. As she smiles she waves a shotgun over her head.

“Is she threatening to shoot me if I don’t buy a piglet… ?” I wonder. I quickly move on to my next question, “What about education? Wouldn’t you rather have good schools than enough armaments to blow the world up 6 times over. Isn’t blowing up the world once or twice enough?”

“Education’s for those city sissies who worry about the global warming. What do I care about that? If it rains all i got to do is put up a tarp. Or get my husband too. I can’t really stand ’cause of the diabetes.”

She eats a handful of fried pork skin and continues. “Besides, I’ve got God – and my darlings.” As she says this she gives one piglet an affectionate slap.

“Sure you don’t want one?” She grabs the piglet she just slapped. It squeals but can’t escape her firm grip. Mary-lou cooes. “Cutie, eh? He’s goin’ real cheap. I gotta sell ’em all today ’cause I’ve run out of food for the little rascals. And let me tell you that’s hard, ’cause they eat anything.”

A recent Strawman report says that Americans still prefer guns to butter… “What do you say about that?”

“Yeah. That sounds ’bout right. I wouldn’t feel good having universal health care if I knew that the Taliban hadn’t been bombed in to the stone age first.”

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